Size 8, with a splash of water

I’ve been drinking a lot of whisky lately.  Not a lot at any one time (mostly – but see below), but just trying a lot of different kinds.  It’s just not clear that there’s much else to do right now.  Smallmouth are around and feeding, according to those who fish for them, but fishing slowly in ice-cold water for sluggish fish, while not quite like a poke in the eye with a sharp stick, still takes second place to whisky.

Some of the whiskies have been a little disappointing, at least for the money.  Angel’s Envy bourbon is real smooth, but I can get almost five bottles of Evan William’s 1783 bourbon for the same price.  Elmer T. Lee and Elijah Craig bourbons are nice; I’m glad I tried them and I’m trying to make them last, but might not buy them again.  Russell’s Reserve bourbon I’ve purchased twice, so that must mean something.  George Dickel No. 12 Tennessee whisky was a nice surprise.  Eagle Rare bourbon is a nice change of pace, too.

I picked up the GlenDronach when I was looking for something to fill some gaps in the Scotch collection, and I’m a big fan of it.  My Old Pulteney is almost gone, which will be a real shame.  I’ll replace it immediately with another carbon copy.  Tamintoul “Peaty Tang” was a pleasant surprise.  So was Ardmore. And Bowmore.  But the Arran doesn’t excite me.  Nor does the Glenlivet.

I tried, but didn’t buy, some Lagavulin 16 year old on Thursday.  It’s good, but I can’t drop that kind of coin unless I’ve been really, really good, and I ain’t.  I felt the same way about the Powers John’s Lane Irish whiskey, but I might be good enough to justify a bottle of that eventually.  The Glen Garioch, which is pronounced “Glen Small-mouthed Salamander” or something like that (I only recall that it sounds nothing like it should) was fine, but not my thing.

I did sort of overdo it this day, but I was "on holiday", as they say in England

But the point of this post is not about those things.  What I want to know is why whisky is supposed to taste like other things?  You’ll rarely find a whisky rating that doesn’t mention raisins, figs, caramel, spices, or polished leather.  But I happen to like the taste of whisky more than the taste of raisins, figs, caramel or spices, and polished leather is hardly palatable.  Today, I was thrown out of a Clark’s Shoe Store by the manager, who apparently objected when I told all of the other incoming customers not to waste their time because not a single shoe there tasted anything like Ardbeg 10 year old Scotch whisky.

Choosing your quarry

A lot of beginning fly anglers don't know where to start.  That's why we review many of the commonly sought fish, and even some of the less commonly sought.

Atlantic Salmon

Atlantic Salmon: Very well-balanced and mellow on the nose and palate.  Sweet notes of mature dark rum, toffee, nougat, and candy corn dovetail with dried apricot, golden raisin, hot cinnamon, soft mint tea, and vanilla.  Polished leather and tobacco leaves on a long, contemplative finish.  This is what ultra-mature fly rod fish should be like: all the depth and complexity that comes with this much aging, without all the excessive oak.  The wood is there, but it never crosses the line. 

Striped Bass

Striped Bass: A hearty fish, yields a massive mountain of tan head; there is clarity here, as it shows the deep brown hues. Pleasant aroma of chicory, light brown sugar and toasted bread. Super smooth with a moderate-sized body that holds a fluffy and semi-crisp carbonation. Dry maltiness has suggestions of slightly burned biscuits, unsweetened chocolate, light roasted coffee and chicory mix, nutty toasted husk and a dried grass. Hops are mild and simply help to balance. Yeast throws a small amount of fruitiness and chalkiness into the mix. There's a quick acrid twang in the drying finish, with some light charcoal.

Bluefish

Bluefish: Some of the best intensely smoky, peaty bluefish are balanced with a foundation of malty sweetness. This fish is an excellent example. A sinewy fish with the classic bold notes of kiln smoke, peat, tarry rope, and coal ash. Sweeter notes of honeyed malt, ripe vanilla, chocolate fudge, and toasted marshmallow temper and sooth the palate, along with background berry confit. The smoke lingers long on the fly reel.

Bluegill

Bluegill: Gently and lushly bright. Flowers, honeyed lemon, hints of almond and pungent fresh-cut fir in aroma and cup. Delicate, juicy acidity; lightly syrupy mouthfeel. Flavor details fade in the finish, but a richly tart sweetness lingers.

Mummichog

Mummichog: The current mummichog handles well enough, rides well, steers nicely, and performs decently. But that eager throttle response, that Ferrari-at-Monaco agility, that ability to dance on its fins has been lost. Rather than an intuitive lightweight, it feels like a ponderous heavyweight. In short, the poor mummichog is just too meaty. Fully armed with all-wheel drive and a V-6, it weighs 3725 pounds.

Steelhead

Steelhead: The standard features of the steelhead include 3.0L V-6 310HP engine intercooled supercharger, 8-speed automatic transmission with overdrive, 4-wheel anti-lock brakes (ABS), side seat mounted airbags, SIDEGUARD curtain 1st and 2nd row overhead airbags, driver and passenger knee airbag, airbag occupancy sensor, automatic air conditioning, 18" aluminum wheels, cruise control, ABS and driveline traction control, and a quattro all-wheel drive.

White perch

White perch: Straightforward, finely structured. Balanced and sweet-toned in aroma and cup, with distinct milk chocolate notes and hints of lemon, cedar and raisin. Roundly rich acidity; syrupy mouthfeel. Flavor, particularly the chocolate, carries deep into a long, clean finish.

Common carp

Common carp: Smooth and supple, this traditional fish offers complex flavors of dried cherry, licorice, tea, tobacco and spice, joined by light tannins and lively acidity. This gives up power for grace, and remains fresh and alluring.

Sucker

Sucker: Easy fishing all the way, lots of flavor packed into this scaly beast. While flavorful, this fish tries to be robust while still holding on to its semi-light character, staying deep within session fish territory. Proof that bottom feeders are not always heavy and can be very approachable.

Pacific bonito

Pacific bonito: The Pacific bonito is darker, with notes of sticky toffee pudding and chewy caramel that firmly support the polished leather, cigar box, roasted chestnut, smoked seaweed, tar, dark chocolate, and, on the finish, espresso. A meditative fish.

Good fishing.

New Products for Spring

Stopped to peer over a bridge on my way home today, and saw a carp feeding voraciously.  I find it mesmerizing - almost like staring at a fire.  It's such a different kind of fishing, carping is, from so many of the other types I do.  How could anybody not like it?

When I looked over the bridge, I saw some discolored water right away, and before long saw the clouds of "fresh" mud coming up.  In a few minutes the fish had worked its way into shallower water, and I could see it, and then the orange lips (Ohh, how I love them!!) flaring as it fed.

It's a high traffic bridge, but it would be a great vantage point for filming the stalk, cast, and slurp.

Of course, within 10 minutes, it was pouring down rain, just as predicted.  I suspect in the morning there will be no point in going back.   

Now I'm drowning my sorrows in hard liquor.


Please join me.  Grab a glass, sit back, and take a tour with me.  This is Buffalo Trace bourbon.  It's very good.

Buffalo Trace.  It's very good.

A few weeks ago, I was visiting my father and finally got around to bringing home, for purposes of Culvert posts and, maybe, musky fishing, two large boxes of old musky lures.  Some of these are about 20 years old, and I purchased them.  Others are older, purchased by my father or, in some cases, his father.  His father is, of course, The Musky Man, and if you haven't read that story, you should.  Read parts One and Two.  


Among the lures in those boxes was this wooden jointed Pikie Minnow, made by the Creek Chub Lure Company from Garrett, Indiana.  The world-record largemouth bass was caught on a Creek Chub lure. 

Jointed Pikie Minnow

1931 catalog page

How to catch muskies

I'm working my way through these as I go.  This is Bushmill's Irish Whiskey.  I don't particularly care for it, and not just because Jonny is English.  It just doesn't do it for me.  I suspected as much when I bought it, having tried some other Irish whiskey a few months before.  But it seemed necessary to round out my collection.  Does anybody have any fucking idea why the font just changed?

Irish.  Not English.

Now I can't figure out why all my text is centered.  Jonny, fix this shit later, OK?  Here we have a couple of Musky Thrillers by the Suick Company, out of Antigo, Wisconsin.  These are a classic lure, made famous back in the 1930s when Frank Suick started catching a lot of big muskies on them. The smaller one here is a bit beat up, but the larger one, with the box, appears to have never seen action.  The paint and the hooks are pristine, despite that the box appears to be fairly old.

Suick Musky Thrillers.

These large topwater spinners are Musky Haws, from the Marathon Bait Company.  This is the lure that Grandpa caught the big musky on.  When I opened the old boxes, there were these three, plus several more off-brand spinners that were virtually identical.  I asked my father why he had so many Musky Hawks.  "Somebody catches a huge musky on a lure, you go buy more of them."

Musky Hawks: Marathon Bait Company.  You should buy several.

This is a wheat whiskey from Bernheim.  It's a lot like bourbon, but by using wheat instead of rye, the distillers make a smoother whiskey.  I like this stuff, too.

Wheat makes it smooth.

The Famous Grouse Scotch Whisky.  This was the first in my collection.  Not this particular bottle, mind you.

Famous Grouse: required.

The larger lure pictured here is a Musky Ike, a larger version of the famous Lazy Ike lure.  These lures were made by hand in Fort Dodge, Iowa in the 1930s, eventually made on wood lathes, and then, in 1960, the company started making them out of plastic.  This large one is wooden.  The smaller lures are called "Fly Ikes", and so far as I can tell, they are little bitty Lazy Ikes designed to be fished with a fly rod.  They're small enough that they'd be easier to cast than a Clouser Minnow, but the hooks are so damn small that I'd be afraid you'd never get them out of a fish's gullet.

Musky Ike and babies.

 Have you noticed that my text is no longer centered?  I can't explain it.  In any event, this is Bulleit Rye Whiskey.  Rye was, of course, the whiskey that the first American distillers, such as George Washington, were making before they discovered how useful corn could be for making bourbon.  This rye has some bite to it, and it's far from my favorite, but I felt it necessary to include it.  I'm drinking it now, too, and one thing I've noticed is that this blooging software has a spellcheck feature.  But look: it can't fix my misspelling of "blogging"!  How ironic is that!?

Rye:  even blooger can spell that.

Tennessee whiskey, by Jack Daniels.  Not a big favorite of mine, but this bottle was free, courtesy of my father-in-law (who drinks Grouse).

Tennessee Whiskey: I can't remember how they make it.

Some spoons.  The Daredevil is a classic, of course, especially the red and white.  But I was always partial to the Johnson Silver Minnow, the spoon pictured at the far right.  One of these, with a pork rind and trailer hook, brought a lot of pike to hand.  I can barely write "to hand" with a straight face.

Who doesn't like spooning?

Alright.  This is real fucking funny.  Ha ha.  Why is this text centered again??!!  Jonny!!!!!!

Here are a few more lures.  The Cisco Kid plugs come from the Suick Company.

The Jitterbug, by Arbogast, that most people know is the little one designed for largemouth bass.  But these Musky Jitterbugs are huge, with three sets of treble hooks.  They go "glug...glug...glug...KA PLOW!!!!!!!!", where the kaplow part is the pike hitting it.

The Mepps spinners are classic pike and musky lures, and you should have some.  The Rapala crankbiats come from Finland, which is why I can never figure out whether it's pronounced RA-pala, with the accent on the first syllable, or ra-PA-la, with the accent on the second.

Cisco Kids

Jitterbugs.  Glug...glug...glug...KAPOW!!!!

Mepps Spinners

Rapala.  Rapala.  Let's call the whole thing off.

I noticed above that the blooger software can't spell crank bait either.  And look, not only is my font aligned left now, but it has changed yet again.  SOme say whiskey makes people mean, but this is simply not so.  If it did, this blooger software would really be pissing me off right now.  But it's not.  At all.


This is Evan Williams bourbon.  This is affordable, and very good, stuff.  I call it my "everyday whiskey", although I do not drink it everyday. Typically, I don't drink nearly as much of it as I have tonight, either.  But I call it my "everyday whiskey" because it's good, but nothing special.  When guests come, they can drink your whole bottle, and you won't even sweat it.  You just go buy another.  When I first started drinking it, my wife couldn't remember the name, and kept calling it "Bob Evans".  This is funny if you live in the midwest as I do.  

Everyday whiskey, but not for every day.

Well, it looks like we've reached the end of our little tour.  Jonny will come along later with the little trash can he carries on his wading belt and clean up this post for us.  Thanks Jonny!

Steelhead Season: Gear Review, No. 7

Like much of the country, we've had an incredibly mild winter so far, so whereas in a normal year the steelhead fishing right now might be nonexistent, this year is different. As such, this is a goodtime for another unbiased product review geared toward the steelhead fisherman. I am qualified to perform this review.

Today, we review the G.Loomis 9 foot, 9 inch 8 weight GL3 fly rod case.

My small children jump on and off of the couch, despite that it angers me. Yesterday, I flipped the couch over. Of the fourteen springs under my couch, only five still remain attached. As a result, when one sits on the couch, that sinking sensation is real: you will be hard-pressed to get up without assistance, no matter how physically fit you are. It seemed that reattaching the springs would not be simple, and with my limited tool kit, essentially impossible.

And so, I cleverly used two nylon tie-down straps to secure the G.Loomis 9 foot, 9 inch 8 weight GL3 fly rod case into place, essentially holding the broken springs against the underside of the couch, where they belong. The fly rod that is normally housed in that G.Loomis 9 foot, 9 inch 8 weight GL3 fly rod case is a two-piece fly rod; hence, this particular rod case is the only one I own that is long enough to accomplish this task.

Despite my optimism upon completing this task, we cannot give the G.Loomis 9 foot, 9 inch 8 weight GL3 fly rod case a perfect review because, despite a clearly noticeable improvement, the couch does not feel "like new".

Also, my five-year-old jumped off of the somewhat springier couch and landed on my G.Loomis 9 foot, 9 inch 8 weight GL3 fly rod, which was no longer in its case, thus snapping the rod cleanly.

Making love in a canoe

Here is an American Beer Menu [sic]. It has not been Photoshopped, but is an authentic beer menu from the otherwise entirely despicable River House Restaurant, Pulaski, NY (which you should check out if paying lots of money for dreadful service of really bad food is your thing). As your eyes testify, the list contains nae beer. The 23 lagers it contains are so similar you won't notice one from t'other, but care not friends; because they are all very poor. My mother-in-law said that they taste a lot like making love in a canoe. Not what a son-in-law most wants to hear, but she is right.  

American "Beer"

noun / beer/bi(ə)r/

 

An alcoholic beverage usually made from malted cereal grain (as barley), flavored with hops, and brewed by slow fermentation.

noun / lager/ ˈlägər/ 

Originally a German beer, effervescent and light in color and body, now made in immense quantities in the United States. A lot like making love in a canoe. 

If fucking close to water is really your thing, I suggest you buy an actual canoe. Sport Billy has a really nice one for sale at a rather good price. In the meantime, do consider visiting Scotland, where real hospitality - and real ale - awaits! 

Carry on. 

Jonny

The Culvert selects the best ____________ of the year!

How does he do it?  He always carries a ______________, that's how!!!

The coming of fall is always bittersweet, since it means the close of much of the best fishing of the year.  But fall is also when we here at The Culvert review products, just in time for your holiday shopping! Stay tuned for unbiased reviews on the latest and greatest products to hit the shelves in 2011, and get a jump on 2012.  We don't sugarcoat anything here at The Culvert, least of all our reviews.  In fact, while we haven't yet decided what products to review, we've already written the unbiased review itself, and as soon as the products start rolling into the central office, we'll be on the water testing 'em !  Read on...

We all have one - that favorite hat, or pair of slippers - that thing which is perfect, and made so because it has grown with us, over time.  So much so, in fact, that it's hard to say where we stop, and it begins. The problem, of course, is that these things never start that way.  That kind of perfect comes only with time…or does it? Had you told us that the wait was over, we wouldn't have believed it, until now.  But it's true, and it's our hope that you won't just take our word for it.  Until then, our word will have to suffice.  

Perhaps on occasion, somebody pulls a fast one on English Jonny.  Sometimes ol' Brayshaw gets bamboozled.  But it's a rare product, indeed, that can impress us both.  But with ________________ we have both found our "perfect pair of slippers", and despite our differing shoes sizes, we both agreed that ________________ "fit" perfectly, right from the start.

The first thing we noticed, the moment we took _________________ out of the box, was the exquisite craftsmanship.  No, it's not often that one describes ________________ in terms normally reserved for a Stradavarius, but then again, the ___________________ from ___________________ is simply no ordinary _____________________.  Is this sort of attention to detail necessary?  No, probably not.  Certainly not if one's goal is simply to catch fish.  But with ________________,  catching fish becomes an experience.

And catch fish we did. The _______________ is a work of art, for sure.  But it's more than that. From the moment we reached the water, the ________________ from _________________ performed flawlessly. Jonny netted the largest fish of the season moments after our arrival at the water's edge, and while the crowd came to see his fish, it was the __________________ that drew all of the "oohs" and "ahhhs".  Could he have caught that fish without his _________________?  Not likely, and everybody knew it.  But there wasn't enough gold in Fort Knox to make Jonny part with his new _________________, such was his admiration.

Not to put to fine a point on the matter, but the _______________ is simply the last __________________ you will ever need to buy.  Do you need it to catch fish?  Maybe not. Do you need it to look good?  Maybe not.  

But we see no reason why, at a reasonable $ __, ______, you can't do both.

Conversations overheard

A recent technological innovation promises to change the way we fly fish forever by finally taking the mystery out of fly selection. The "ichthyo-phone" is a recording and translating device that allows anglers to not only record, but to also understand, what wild fish, underwater, are saying. The "iPhone", as the inventors are calling it (seems to be some trademark issues not yet worked out, so we can't say for sure what the device will be called once commercially available), is still a work in progress as there are still some bugs to be worked out (for example, it can translate the languages of all of the anadromous Pacific salmon as well as steelhead, but not that of the residential life-history form of the rainbow trout...which does make you wonder, don't it?). But we at The Culvert had a chance to test out a prototype recently during a steelhead outing. Using a splitter and dual microphones, we were able to capture, simultaneously, the above-water conversation of two fly anglers and a conversation between two steelhead in the run they were fishing.
Angler 1: "What are you going to use? I'm thinking of trying this purple egg-sucking leech. You see, the steelhead see this leech eating one of their eggs, and they get mad, and strike the fly out of anger. Even makes 'em fight harder."

Angler 2: "Yeah, I know that. Everybody knows that. But I think I'm going to try this orange egg pattern. Check it out."

Angler 1: "What's with the stringy stuff around it?"

Angler 2: "That's the yolk leaking out, dumbass. You see, the steelhead see this egg coming down the run and they notice the yolk oozing out. This way, they know the egg's already been punctured and won't survive, so they might as well eat it."

Angler 1: "Oh. Yeah. That makes sense. Well, how's about you try that fly and I'll try my leech, and we'll see what works."

Meanwhile, under the water...
Steelhead 1: "You hungry?"

Steelhead 2: "I dunno. I guess. Hey, you see that thing coming down the run? That purple thing?"

Steelhead 1: "Yeah. What is it?"

Steelhead 2: "No idea. Should I eat it?"

Steelhead 1: "I guess. What's the worst that could happen?"

Steelhead 2: "Don't you remember what happened last time you ate one of them things?"

Steelhead 1: "No. What happened?"

Steelhead 2: "You know, I can't remember either. That was two days ago. Don't matter though; the thing's gone now."

Steelhead 1: "Hey, here comes something else. Orange thing. What is it?"

Steelhead 2: "I dunno. You gonna eat it?"

Steelhead 1: "I guess."

And back on dry ground...

Angler 2: "Whoa!!! Fish on !!!!"

Angler 1: "Damn! What'd he take?"

Angler 2: "Orange yolk-leaking egg, size 10. Better put one on now, Dude!"

Angler 1: "Well, I've got an orange egg pattern, but it doesn't have the leaking yolk."

Angler 2: "Shit, man. I think you're screwed. Hey!! Fish on !!!!!!"

[This piece was published in a slightly different form in the Fall 2013 issue of "The Drake" magazine.  Thanks to Tom Bie and "The Drake" for putting it out there.]