Call Jonny

Brook trout prefer cold, clean water

Part of my absence from The Culvert is simply due to the hassles of moving to the greater Indianapolis, India area (see earlier post). But I also experienced some computer-related problems, which required some time in a local Apple store.  They fixed my problem and they were friendly, but I hate those stores.

That said, their telephone system is top shelf.  When you call the store, a recorded voice informs you that “I am an automated system that can handle complete sentences.  How can I help you today?”  If you reply “I’d like to inquire about my computer that is being repaired, “ the voice will reply “Is this a computer you already own, or one you are considering buying?”

What?

If you say “One I already own,” he will then say “Would you like to schedule an appointment to drop it off?”

Huh?

In the end, you just scream “FUCK YOU!!!” into the receiver and drive to the store.

And so, it occurred to me that if we could set up some sort of similar automated fly fishing advice phone service, we’d no longer have to ignore so many of our faithful readers.  It’s been a while in the works, but the we now have both the automated phone advice system set up, as well as a fully automated internet advice service.   The great thing about this system, whether you choose the phone service or the on-line service, is that we can rapidly address your queries, even if we’re fishing or drunk.

Here are some transcripts from a few of the phone calls our system handled.  We’ve modeled it on the Apple Store system, and it works just as well.

Caller: “Where do smallmouth bass hide in very low water conditions?”

Culvert Rapid Answer Protocol (CRAP): “Smallmouth can be broiled or pan-fried, but please keep in mind future fishermen and limit your take!”

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Caller: “Should I tie a dropper fly to the bend of the hook of the other fly, or to the tag end of my tippet connector knot?”

CRAP: “Always concentrate on those spots where the water is well-oxygenated, but that still offers protection from predators and a respite from the strongest currents.”

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Caller: “Should I fish a floating line or a sinking line for early season trout?”

CRAP: “Are you fishing for stripers or bluefish?”

Caller:  “Neither.  I am asking about trout, early in the season.”

CRAP: “Do you have your serial number?”

Caller: “That doesn’t make any sense.  I want to know if I should fish for early season trout, when the water is very cold, with a sinking line or a floating line.”

CRAP: “Cork disc drags will compress, so always release the tension after you are fishing.”

Caller: “Floating or sinking line?”

CRAP: “Your sensors are probably misaligned. Check the sensors and if the green light comes on, try the garage door again. If it continues to stop and then reverse, consider increasing the down force using the tensioner screw or try a crayfish pattern, stripped slowly with the occasional jerky twitch.  Set the hook if the line stops or if the “PLAY” button continues to flash."

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If you'd like to use our automated phone system, call Jonny at home.  If you'd prefer to use the on-line service, simply type your question(s) in the comment box, and within minutes you will receive an answer.