Friday, July 20, 2012

Call Jonny


Brook trout prefer cold, clean water



Part of my absence from The Culvert is simply due to the hassles of moving to the greater Indianapolis, India area (see earlier post). But I also experienced some computer-related problems, which required some time in a local Apple store.  They fixed my problem and they were friendly, but I hate those stores.

That said, their telephone system is top shelf.  When you call the store, a recorded voice informs you that “I am an automated system that can handle complete sentences.  How can I help you today?”  If you reply “I’d like to inquire about my computer that is being repaired, “ the voice will reply “Is this a computer you already own, or one you are considering buying?”

What?

If you say “One I already own,” he will then say “Would you like to schedule an appointment to drop it off?”

Huh?

In the end, you just scream “FUCK YOU!!!” into the receiver and drive to the store.

And so, it occurred to me that if we could set up some sort of similar automated fly fishing advice phone service, we’d no longer have to ignore so many of our faithful readers.  It’s been a while in the works, but the we now have both the automated phone advice system set up, as well as a fully automated internet advice service.   The great thing about this system, whether you choose the phone service or the on-line service, is that we can rapidly address your queries, even if we’re fishing or drunk.

Here are some transcripts from a few of the phone calls our system handled.  We’ve modeled it on the Apple Store system, and it works just as well.

Caller: “Where do smallmouth bass hide in very low water conditions?”

Culvert Rapid Answer Protocol (CRAP): “Smallmouth can be broiled or pan-fried, but please keep in mind future fishermen and limit your take!”

                                                                   ****

Caller: “Should I tie a dropper fly to the bend of the hook of the other fly, or to the tag end of my tippet connector knot?”

CRAP: “Always concentrate on those spots where the water is well-oxygenated, but that still offers protection from predators and a respite from the strongest currents.”

                                                                    ****

Caller: “Should I fish a floating line or a sinking line for early season trout?”

CRAP: “Are you fishing for stripers or bluefish?”

Caller:  “Neither.  I am asking about trout, early in the season.”

CRAP: “Do you have your serial number?”

Caller: “That doesn’t make any sense.  I want to know if I should fish for early season trout, when the water is very cold, with a sinking line or a floating line.”

CRAP: “Cork disc drags will compress, so always release the tension after you are fishing.”

Caller: “Floating or sinking line?”

CRAP: “Your sensors are probably misaligned. Check the sensors and if the green light comes on, try the garage door again. If it continues to stop and then reverse, consider increasing the down force using the tensioner screw or try a crayfish pattern, stripped slowly with the occasional jerky twitch.  Set the hook if the line stops or if the “PLAY” button continues to flash."

                                                                    ****

If you'd like to use our automated phone system, call Jonny at home.  If you'd prefer to use the on-line service, simply type your question(s) in the comment box, and within minutes you will receive an answer.

17 comments:

  1. When fishing the hex hatch, what beer would you recommend?

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    1. You'll get better mileage with the standard transmission, but the automatic transmissions are so much more efficient these days that it will make almost no difference, so go with whatever you'd prefer.

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  2. Is it better to fish a greased line swing, a Listerine Lift, or a bow and arrow mend for stripers feeding on the Branford rips? And where do you stand on weighted flies?

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    1. Thanks! It wasn't easy, but we're very happy with it as well! I think you'll like the one we've got coming out in early 2013 even more.

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  3. What is your opinion on dropping loaded explosives on elusive fish. Or maybe your trailer in the woods.

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    1. You definitely want to cook the ground turkey until the internal temperature reaches 180 degrees, but meat that is not ground, even poultry, is usually safely cooked even at lower temperatures, provided the outside (where the bacteria reside) is heated properly.

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  4. Would you suggest throwing your Mac in the river on the Ganges and purchasing a cheap PC powered by Microsoft? Can I have Jonny's home phone number? You dont seem to be much help.

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    1. Please press 4 if you would like to speak to a consultant.

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  5. Thanks for your responce to my hex hatch question, fishing is taken very serious here.

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  6. Fiat 500 is introducing an on board espresso maker in next years model Would that affect my car milage and tire wear?

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    Replies
    1. I'd use 5X, but you could probably get away with 6X if flows aren't too high.

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  7. You Prick I live in Fall River Mills California A small drinking town with a fishing problem. Give me Jonny's home phone number , I need to file a complaint.

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  8. Help, help. While carp fishing I was bitten in the upper, inner thigh area (in that general area, generally speaking) by a timber mocassin. I've applied a tight tourniquet to the affected parts to stop the spread of the poison, and slathered on a layer of mud to draw the poison out. The bitten area has gone numb and is turning black. Please advise on what to do next. Should I send pictures? When can I come in and get this looked at by the Culvert staff?

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    1. Lowbrow,

      Carp are great gamefish! Next time, try chumming with corn first!

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  9. I used 6x in my coffee maker (I don't drink espresso) but it still spooks the trout. Should I got to 7x or just give espresso a try?

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    Replies
    1. Steve I think you know the answer to this question already, but yes, you should see a doctor.

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