|The Clouser Minnow during happier times|
August 25, 2012: (Culvert Press) – In a statement released today by its agent, the Clouser Minnow states that it “will no longer challenge allegations of inappropriate use of performance-enhancing drugs”. Officials, who have long maintained that “no fly could be so successful based on nothing but weighted eyes, bucktail and flash without the aid of doping”, were quick to state, on record, that they have long maintained that the originator of the fly, Bob Clouser, was never charged or even suspected of impropriety. “We believe, and have always believed, that the Clouser Minnow has acted alone, and is solely responsible for the inappropriate behavior.”
For decades, the Clouser Minnow – which many have said is the greatest fly ever designed, and probably responsible for the capture of more fish than any other - has denied any and all doping allegations, but in the statement released today, the fly said that “I’m tired of it, and frankly, I don’t give a shit anymore.” Minnow has said that this in no way is meant to imply an admission of guilt: “I catch fish. Period. I don’t need anybody’s stamp of approval to keep doing this.”
Officials and laymen alike have marveled at the fish catching abilities of the Clouser Minnow. Fly fishing celebrity Lefty Kreh is reputed to have said that if he could only fish one fly for the rest of his life, it would be a white and chartreuse Clouser Minnow. (Kreh could not be reached for comment.) Suspicions of doping emerged early in Minnow’s career when it was revealed that even poorly-tied Clouser Minnows would, according to one angler who wished to remain anonymous, “catch the shit out of fish.” The angler reported that the first fly he ever tied was a Clouser Minnow and, despite entirely too much bucktail and thread wraps that resembled a crumbling house, it was still a wildly productive fly.
Fly shops are abuzz with speculation as to what fly will now claim “best fly ever”. When asked what is next for the Clouser Minnow, the former fly replied “Nothing will change for me. I’ll continue to catch fish. Only now, I’ll just do it as a jig.”