Friday, January 6, 2012

Making love in a canoe

Here is an American Beer Menu [sic]. It has not been Photoshopped, but is an authentic beer menu from the otherwise entirely despicable River House Restaurant, Pulaski, NY (which you should check out if paying lots of money for dreadful service of really bad food is your thing). As your eyes testify, the list contains nae beer. The 23 lagers it contains are so similar you won't notice one from t'other, but care not friends; because they are all very poor. My mother-in-law said that they taste a lot like making love in a canoe. Not what a son-in-law most wants to hear, but she is right.  



American "Beer"


noun / beer/bi(ə)r/
 

An alcoholic beverage usually made from malted cereal grain (as barley), flavored with hops, and brewed by slow fermentation.


noun / lager/ ˈlägər/ 

Originally a German beer, effervescent and light in color and body, now made in immense quantities in the United States. A lot like making love in a canoe. 


If fucking close to water is really your thing, I suggest you buy an actual canoe. Sport Billy has a really nice one for sale at a rather good price. In the meantime, do consider visiting Scotland, where real hospitality - and real ale - awaits! 

Carry on. 

Jonny
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12 comments:

  1. ClifJanuary 6, 2012 at 7:45 PM

    Of all that, one stands out as unique.

    But I'd take "fucking close to water" over a Smirnoff Ice.

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  2. T.J. BrayshawJanuary 6, 2012 at 7:52 PM

    Which one?

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  3. English JonnyJanuary 6, 2012 at 7:54 PM

    Perhaps the New Castle (sic, and just might be)?

    ReplyDelete
  4. lowbrowJanuary 6, 2012 at 8:16 PM

    Probably the PBR--that's the only hipster beer.

    How soulless. At least if they offered Shlitz or Icehouse tallboys they could claim some kind of syle ("hey look, we're a real dive, come and get shitfaced and use hard drugs in the restroom"). Sad.

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  5. Steve ZakurJanuary 6, 2012 at 8:31 PM

    Thanks. I thought I had put those tortured memories behind me. Now I won't sleep for days.

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  6. English JonnyJanuary 6, 2012 at 9:34 PM

    Alas, nae hard drugs, unless you count the carbonara, which was fair trippy.

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  7. Sport BillyJanuary 6, 2012 at 10:54 PM

    My burger looked and tasted like a hockey puck but at least it wasn't served by a guy with a greasy Napa hat on.

    ReplyDelete
  8. SimonBJanuary 7, 2012 at 9:14 AM

    Wait a minute ... ah ... no ... OK ... as you were. I thought you were trying to imply that there were real ales - from Scotland. Silly idea. As if 80/- could be described as a real ale. Ha. You must mean the stuff that comes from down south. Bitter. Like Directors or Spitfire. Real Ale. Of course you did. Carry on.

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  9. English JonnyJanuary 7, 2012 at 10:00 AM

    Bless you Eccles (are you related to the cakes? I love them). A once native of Wansdworth, I pine for sweet, southern ale. The Young's draymen used to pass my house on a Sunday morn.

    There's a nice pint of Deuchers in the Barony Bar, mark you.

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  10. Randy S. BrethJanuary 8, 2012 at 5:27 PM

    Only the Heinie's - but you know they are like a year old...

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  11. T.J. BrayshawJanuary 10, 2012 at 8:59 PM

    Is Heineken really different from the others? I mean, really? Be honest.

    No. It's not.

    ReplyDelete
  12. English JonnyJanuary 10, 2012 at 9:14 PM

    I think he meant it tastes like a Hiney.

    ReplyDelete

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