Carp Rental

The Culvert is delighted to endorse an inspiring plan to offer short-term, affordable carp rentals for urbanites and college students who don’t own a carp of their own. I may hire one for the Pulaski run this year - improve the smell of the downtown, etc excreta.

 

Nota bene: We haven't been fishing much recently, so I'm grateful to Charlie Kreitler for sharing such complete rubbish (his new venture, The Mudhole Chronicles, is better.)


--EJ

A Fan of Rhode Island

Dear English Jonny,

I installed another ceiling fan today.  This one is bigger, very nice looking, and is in the master bedroom.  When you flip on the switch on the wall for the light, which is part of the fan, the light does not come on. When you flip the switch that is for the fan, it does not move.  But the fan really does look nice up there, on the ceiling…as still as a rock.

(Also: the fan remains still, and the house does not spin around it.  So, there's a problem with the fan or with my wiring.)

(And also: I took down a perfectly functioning fan with light before I put up the non-functional one in its place. I had to disassemble the working fan to get it down.  So now I have a fully intact immovable fan on my ceiling, and on the floor I have the 37 parts of what was formerly a functioning fan.)

My day has been not entirely unlike a trip to Rhode Island.

TJ

Culvert Laboratories, again.

Early tests are encouraging

Our best men at Culvert Laboratories have done it again. We’re proud to announce the pre-announcement of our new social media software. We’re still working out the glitches, but this new app will allow you to connect, literally, with fish that are interested in your flies!

Here’s how it works: you create a profile explaining what kind of fly fisherman you are, what type of flies you will be fishing, and what kinds of fish you’re interested in catching.  Imagine: “Dry fly man, fishing elk hair caddis, sizes 12 through 16, seeks length-weight proportionate trout, rainbow or brown, interested in drag free upstream presentation.” Fish create their own profile, explaining what kind of fly they’re interested in biting.  Imagine: “Smallmouth bass, 16.5 inches, seeks crayfish pattern bounced on the bottom.  Will consider topwater, too.”

Then, if it is meant to be, our complex algorithm brings you together.  It’s that simple.

Now, we hear your objections: “This is unsporting!”  But is it, really?  The only fish you’re going to catch through Facehook are those that are actively seeking your flies. It’s win-win!

The app isn’t ready for release, but early tests are encouraging.  All of the fishermen we’ve asked to test the app have found it very easy to navigate.  Drop down menus take much of the guesswork out of the equation, but fillable text boxes still allow customization.

Our problems, so far, are on the other end. Steelhead have expressed interest but they object to the porn filter. Most of the porn they’ve requested is pretty mild stuff  (mostly egg-filled redds, maybe some milt shots) and we’re working on customizing the filter. Bluefish want porn too, but what they’re interested shocked even us.  As it turns out, bluefish like human-on-human porn (particularly freaky stuff, too) but because we hope to market the product to women and children, not to mention long-eared sunfish and pumpkinseeds, we simply cannot allow this.  Musky don’t even return our emails, but we never really expected them to take to social media. Despite these challenges, we’re hopeful. Crappie seem to love the idea, and yellow perch are excited as well. 

How to catch crabs

Crabs. 

To: T.J.Brayshaw@TheCulvert

From: English.Jonny@TheCulvert 

Sent: Tuesday, 3 September 2012

Subject: How to catch crabs

Dear T.J.,

Yes, you had mentioned the bottle of Ardbeg.  It is something special.

Our long weekend was nice. Other than finishing the bathroom, I found a new frog pond with my son on Sunday. There were two young women in bathing costumes swimming and taking photos of one another. I think the boy enjoyed it - he caught two very large green frogs - so it's likely to be our new favorite spot. 

We went to the estuary after the pond to ease my erection and try for some crabs. I've never done this before (try for crabs), but we managed to catch a couple (two) with some chunks of BBQ flavored chicken. What surprised me was the amount of bait fish that swarmed around the chicken - literally ripping it to pieces. Have I been missing something all these years? 

Yours,

English Jonny