[Editor's Note: We have decided to make the contents of some recently confiscated hard drives available to you, the readers of The Angler's Culvert. Much of what has been uncovered is highly disturbing, but in the interest of national security, we felt it was only appropriate to release it. Analysts are still in the process of trying to make sense of it all, but it's clear that whatever it is that they're doing, it is clear that they're getting ready. ]
English Jonny (EJ): Thank you for sending me that poem. It is so bad it has made my balls ache.
T.J. Brayshaw (TJ): Yeah, he can certainly make one's balls ache. There's probably a lesson in there.
EJ: Yes, of course. But, the trip? What about food? Duck? Or lamb. Definitely we shall put red meat to our lips. Do you want to do any trout fishing? Late May is an excellent time to fish the upper river, and it's quite lovely up there. I wonder if we should start to look at tides and actually have some kind of plan for the week?
TJ: I've been meaning to look at the tide charts, but haven't had time, and figured it isn't urgent yet. Weather isn't as predictable as tides, anyway, so we'll have to be flexible. My only "plan", at this point, is to bring as many fly rods, lines, sex toys, reels, flies, waders, pain killers, muscle relaxers, digital cameras, one-dollar bills, books, apple-green bucktail hairs, duck recipes, and corn niblets as my car will hold, and start driving east. You'll have whisky, right?
EJ: Yes, of course. Bill has been hinting that he'd like come over to be with men and drink in excess, despite the fact that he knows you're visiting.
TJ: It would be good to have Bill over. Most primal rituals that occur around a fire involve some sort of sacrifice, and he seems like a good candidate. He's not so important that our society cannot thrive without him, but he's also not so offensive as to displease the gods.
EJ: Good. I'll open the invite to him. We can decide on a specific night later. He will look good on a spit with an orange in his mouth.
TJ: Yes. With the orange fruit in one end, and the orange Butt Out 2 in the other, he'll be a gourmet meal fit for a magazine spread. Charlie's wife can take the photos. We should stop now.
EJ: You should stop now. Please bring some books. And your fly-tying vise. I figure when we're not out fishing, having drunken fire pit Roderick Haig-Brown recitals (while gently turning the Bill spit roast), we might just tie a fly.
TJ: Yes, indeed. As for the spit, I have a rod & fly turner (for epoxy flies or the epoxy wraps on fly rod guides) that a friend made for me. I wonder if I should bring it so that we don't have to worry about turning Bill regularly. It's so easy to picture him, golden brown, with just the right amount of crackling skin and dripping fat, that I'd really hate to ruin it because we're both writhing on the ground in a Haig-Brown paroxysm.